I should be sleeping right now. I just got off of working New Years Eve and its very early in the morning. I should be sleeping for so many reasons. I'm sick and my twin sister is coming today with my niece so I really should be asleep. Should be......but I have so many thoughts going through my head. I very much wanted to start the new year off on a positive happy note but that is just not the way things go sometimes. My new year started off with death. Its nothing new in my life, I work at a hospital. I am a respiratory therapist so I see death all the time, I deal with very sick patients all the time. Maybe it just hit me because we had barely toasted to the new year when this happened. Death always puts things into perspective.
The second thing that hit me was hearing about a woman that gave birth and left the baby at the hospital not wanting him. Don't get me wrong, if you are going to give up your baby please do it in this way and for that I do have respect for this woman. Of course the personal and irrational side of me wants to shake her. I mean that is everything I want right there. I literally had to stop from going up and grabbing that little baby and never letting go. Even writing this it makes me cry just thinking about how much love I could give to that little boy. That little boy that will go through so much as soon as he entered this world. If only I could have gone and claimed him for my own. All I can do is cry, hope and pray. Hope that he finds parents that will love him with everything they have. I have prayed for him already that he ends up with a wonderful life.
I had planned on writing a post about the new year and some positive thoughts but I guess as usual life has other plans. I know it will be another rough year of being apart from my husband (although much closer thank goodness). We do plan on trying IVF this year and part of me is so hopeful that I will soon have a little one to finally call my own. The other side is terrified that God has other plans. What if it never happens? My faith is tested every day on this matter. I struggle with questioning why these things happen and how unfair life can be. I know I'm not the only one! As much as I would love to tell you that I have complete faith in the future, that I know God knows what is best, I honestly don't know sometimes. I'm human and thats ok. I get angry, I get depressed, I feel sorry for myself, I get so completely wrapped up in the sadness sometimes that I feel like I get lost. Sometimes all I can do is hold on for dear life and hope that my faith can save me.
I am so sorry that this is such a down post starting out this brand new year but this is my outlet and sometimes I just need to lay out what is on my heart. Maybe this is a push that I need to seek him more. That I need to try and trust and really try to put it in Gods hands (because I am really bad about this). I will try to remain hopeful on what this year will bring us. So many changes to come with getting new orders with the military and the unknowns of that, to the unknown of IVF in our near future. All I can do is plunge ahead and see where this road takes us and try to accept whatever comes our way.
So there it is in all its raw glory I guess. My thoughts on this New Years Day. I pray for love and happiness for you all this year and all the years to come!
(I decided not to edit any of these photos from our trip and keep them in the real colors and light)
